floridachad: my weiner
Saturday, September 26, 2009
floridachad: my weiner
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
"In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was"…SHIT!! Sorry, went back too far.
Ah, here we are, October '07. After many years of unprotected sex (the bed of nails was the worst), and no resulting pregnancy, Tina and I decided to visit a fertility expert for some testing on our bits ‘n pieces. Tina had the first round of tests performed on her, and in a few days her results came back as normal. I’m not sure what the tests consisted of, but I’m certain it involved stirrups and a speculum, and probably resembled a wormhole in a sci-fi flick.
Leaving out all the degrading details, I finish up, but then I’m stuck in another quandary. I start to wonder how long I’ve been in the bathroom. Was it two minutes or ten minutes? Should I sit in here longer to make it appear like I’m a total stud, but if I’m in there too long will they think I’m playing amusement park with my body? And am I going to get a boner every time I’m in the powder room at my own house? And how do I walk back through the lobby looking all cool, when those people out there know what I was doing. And I know that they know, and they know that I know that they know. SHIT! I did not think this through. I quickly make up my mind to leave. I place the cup in the little metal slot, open the bathroom door, and see a nurse standing there waiting for me. SHIT! I start questioning my "staying power" again, and on top of it my face is flushed and I’m sweating like a dog in a Korean deli. The nurse points me to a side door where I can exit the building. I’m so grateful that I don’t have to make the walk of shame back through the lobby, that I coolly give the nurse a thumbs up and say, “Right on," like I'm some kind of creepy, masturbating Fonzie
Or make it a game, like perhaps a picture of a Skeeball machine with the 50 point circle removed?
Whichever method I use, I just want you all to remember what I wrote here today. And the next time I try to shake your hand, go for the fist bump instead.
Now if you don’t mind, I have a to go get ready…
Monday, September 14, 2009
Swayze left behind a wife of 35 years (which I find incredible, because if I become famous, I'm kicking my old lady to the curb...you hear me, you Twilight-loving wretch!? I'm not Edward!!), and almost 50 big-screen and televison roles. In his honor, I present my top 7 list of Patrick Swayze performances (in no particular order):
1) Jed in "Red Dawn" -
A rag-tag group of whiny high school kids rise up against stinky Cubans and dirty Commie bastards that take over the good ol U S of A. And they drink hot deer blood. Viva Le Wolverines!!
Plot Flaw: Sarah Palin could see Russia from her house and didn't even warn us? What a bitch.
Memorable Swayze Quote: "Well, when you grow up...then you'll know these things, Danny. Now get up here and piss in the radiator."
2) Sam in "Ghost" -
Murdered man's spirit makes pennies float and compels a psychic to protect his wife from the dude that stabbed him. Oh yeah, he also convinces every woman in the world to buy a pottery wheel. That Righteous Brothers song is surely responsible for countless out-of-wedlock pregnancies.
Plot Flaw: Whoopi Goldberg won an Oscar. Not really a plot flaw, but COME ON!
Memorable Swayze Quote: "Ditto."
3) Darrel in "The Outsiders" -
Preppies are rude, Billy the Kid uses a butterfly knife, the Karate Kid gets burned, Soul Man has an epiphany, and Swayze is the king of the greaseballs.
Plot Flaw: Diane Lane doesn't get naked
Memorable Swayze Quote: "You smoke more than a pack today and I'll skin you. Understood?"
4) Johnny in "Dirty Dancing"
Big-nosed Jewish girl goes to uppity Catskills summer camp with her parents, learns to shake her ass to somewhat tolerable 60's music, convinces father to help woman that had back-alley abortion, has sex with older man-whore, and stars in grand finale of talent show to a song from three decades in the future.
Plot Flaw: Baby is too young to drive a car, but has sex with a dude in his late 20's, and somehow everybody is okay with this? Pedophilia's never been so well received.
Memorbale Swayze Quote: "Nobody puts Baby in a corner." - except maybe her father, you creepy pederast.
5) Adrian in SNL Chippendale's sketch with Chris Farley -
Patrick Swayze - Chippendale
Uploaded by tressage. -
One of the funniest bits in Saturday Night Live history, and I just had to include it.
6) Dalton in "Roadhouse" -
Bouncer cleans up shit-kicker bar with the help of that old biker dude from Mask, shows bare ass to homely waitress, and rips out a guys throat. Jeff Healey never plays "Angel Eyes".
Plot Flaw: None, it's the perfect ass-whipping testosterone-laden man movie.
Memorable Swayze Quote: "Pain don't hurt."
7) Bodhi in "Point Break" -
Two Feds (Secreatariat lookalike and the dude from the Matrix) go undercover to infiltrate bank robbers/surfers/skydivers, many "Whoa''s" ensue, Swayze dies at the end...or does he?
Plot Flaw: Gary Busey and Keanu Reeves are the FBI agents. I'll suspend reality when watching a movie, but that's just ridiculous.
Memorable Swayze Quote: "Adios, Amigo."
Friday, September 11, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
I’m sure you see where I’m going here, but for those not following, imagine that those people are human excrement and Wal-mart is a toilet…which, come to think of it, isn’t that far of a stretch.
It was a day I’ll never forget. It started so innocently, a few farts in the morning, nothing unusual.
But after a few cups of coffee, my bowels UNLEASHED HELL!
I’ll try to describe this as delicately as I can without getting overly disgusting. Let me just say that I was running from the couch to the toilet so quickly, that Usain Bolt gave me a gold medal. I went through a 2000 Flushes puck in a mere 10 hours and enough toilet paper to supply every high school homecoming festivity in America. And the inside of the toilet looked like I was either chumming the ocean for a great white or trying to replicate a Jackson Pollock canvas.
And the noises coming from my backdoor trots sounded like the horn section of a Milwaukee polka band combined with a 4th of July fireworks celebration.
And the odor…oh god, the odor. A funereal bouquet of decomposition. Imagine Rosie O’Donnell running the New York Marathon while wearing leather hot pants in 110 degree heat, and then when she crosses the finish line, you have to smell her pungent taint.
And with this bout of Montezuma’s Revenge came the gallons of perspiration. Seriously, I was sweating like a gerbil in a gay bar.
By the end of the evening, my rectum was raw and I’d developed tendinitis in my elbow from all the wiping. Another painful lesson learned in my stupid ass life.
The reason I’m writing about this right now is twofold:
1) For all of you people spending insane amounts of money on colonics, a 36oz bag of dried apricots will run you $6.12 at Sam’s Club. I just saved you a shitload of money. Pun intended.
2) I know the current price because I bought it today. And I’m snacking on some as I write this blog. And I’m wondering what would happen if I ate three bowls of them.
Actually, it would be more accurate to say that I’m seriously considering eating three bowls of these little fecal forcers. Why? Why would I do that to myself after everything I just wrote? Because I’m fuckin stupid, and maybe, just maybe, I will get my 15 minutes of fame. Even if it is just a brief mention in the New England Journal of Medicine as the first person to literally shit their brains out.