Monday, August 2, 2010

Another DMB weekend near the tip of America's wang

Special Guest Blogger - Dr. Franklin McGigglepants, MD.

As many of you will recall, I authored a wildly successful blog post last year about my adventures at the Dave Matthews Band concert weekend festivities in West Palm Beach:   Monkey See, Monkey Do, YEAH!.  I have been asked by Chad to write another story about my DMB in WPB experiences at this past weekends' shows.  In part because I'm a gifted writer, but mostly because Chad is a lazy piece of shit.  But enough about that asshole, let's get to me:

Thursday, July 29 2010 -
This is the preparation day for the weekend trip down to West Palm Beach.  Since I don't wear clothes, it takes no more than a few minutes to gather "the essentials", like concert tickets..., margarita mix, vitamin B, and pain relievers:

What has two opposable thumbs and plans on drinking all of his meals?  THIS GUY!  Speaking of which, I better at least get some food in me tonight.  Chad made us all bacon mushroom cheddar burgers on the grill.  He mixes breakfast sausage into the ground beef before cooking because it adds extra flavor, and apparently he thinks sweating grease is sexy.

I spend one more night at home in my bedroom hanging out with my buddies before turning in for the evening.

Friday, July 30th -
Like last year, I navigated for the three hour drive.  It normally only takes two and a half hours, but Tina has the bladder of an infant and required three piss breaks.

Before checking in at the PGA Resort, we headed over to MacArthur State Park Beach in North Palm Beach for an hour and a half of ocean fun.  We parked and had to walk along a small wooded trail where we saw these lovely guys:

I'm from the jungle, and even I got a bit creeped out.  Nevertheless, we marched on til we got to the sandy shore.

Here we see Tina with Chad's cousin Mike, and Mike's wife Michelle.  They came down from Chicago because they've heard that the WPB concerts are legen- wait for it -dary.

The water was exceptionally warm, especially near Tina.  Man, she has a small bladder.
I was going to go in, but salt water makes me smell bad...and because I have crabs:

We left the beach and checked in at the PGA Resort.  After dumping our stuff in the room, we went to the pool for some more sunshine.  

After getting in about 6 laps in the pool, and by laps I mean "vodka/lemonade's", I dried off on Chad's shirt:

Modesty is soooo overrated.
I ran into a girl by the pool wearing extremely tiny bikini bottoms.  The terms "moose knuckle" and "camel toe" come to mind, but are such sophmoric phrases, especially for a doctor.  Let's just say I gave her an official diagnosis of Ninja Foot.

All five of us showered up (not together), and made our way down to the Cruzan Amphitheatre where we enjoyed a couple beers in the parking lot.  Chad's wearing what is known as the "Antswolf" tee from  I'm not going to say it's the most powerful shirt in the world, but it gets him Chick-Fil-A on Sundays.

Just like last year, everyone wanted a picture with me:

Mike and Michelle are enjoying $10 beer night...

...and I sit atop Tina's melon while Chad begins sweating out that burger from last night.  Smooth move Ex-lax.

The folks behind us were big fans of me... was the girl next to me, though her man sneakily threw up rabbit ears behind my head.  He's lucky I'm not a silverback or I woulda slapped the taste outta his mouth.

The band was in fine form tonight.

About mid-set, they broke into "Shake Me Like A Monkey" and the girl behind us did exactly that.  I'm pretty sure I coulda tapped that.

I told Michelle I threw my back out after that shaking, so she offered to let me relax on her pillows.  Made me keep my hands above the covers, though.

Coming out of the bathroom, I saw a dude selling beer out of a wheelbarrow..

...who I'm pretty certain was former NFL head coach Herm Edwards.

After the show ended, we went back to the PGA Resort for the post-show party.  I grabbed a beer and followed the Ants to one of the ballrooms...

...where we ran into our buddy Jake...

...met with the post-show entertainers (top-notch talents, BTW)...

...grabbed some swag...

...and partied with all these beautiful people...

...and of course the family.

I drunkenly stumbled back to my room, but before I passed out, I graciously helped push this sea turtle back into the ocean.

My buddy Captain Screamers helped push too:

Okay, so we weren't exactly pushing her back in the ocean, but before you condemn me as taking advantage of my newfound celebrity status, just ask yourself one question:  Where the hell did you think Sea Monkeys come from?  Duh.
Man I'm spent, time for bed.

Saturday, July 31st -
What a gorgeous morning!  I headed out to the pool early to relax in a cabana...

...before grabbing some lounge chairs at the pool.

I enjoy the solitude out here at 9am...

...but it's even better at noon:

I got to meet a falcon that was really into S & M.

For the next several hours, we listened to music poolside, including an unreleased soundboard recording of a DMB show from 1996.  I got drunk on vodka/lemonades...

...until Tina cut me off.  What the french, toast?!

 How sad is this photo?  Stupid Tina, you're not the boss of me.

And now for some random pictures:

There was one BIG drawback to drinking all day:

With my bladder emptied, we packed it up and headed down to the concert.  Mike picked up his own Antswolf shirt...

...Tina was cooling off her sunburned lip (who even knew that was possible?)...

...and I made a new friend.

I also made everyone laugh with my impression of what I would do if I became one of those guys that wore Ed Hardy t-shirts and played "Bros icing Bros".

One final tailgate photo before heading into the venue.

It nevers ceases to amaze me how many women want a piece of this USDA Primate...

...and one dude who was kinda monkey-curious.

This fella was giving me the eyeball too.

Sorry they're not playing the three songs you know from the radio, boys, but either stand up and dance or get the fuck out...

...because the band is ON FIRE again tonight.

Mike ate his first-ever arepa, followed soon after by his second one.  For those that don't know, an arepa is basically a grilled cheese sandwich on cornbread and is excellent.

With the concert over, we were ready to go back to the hotel for another post-show party, but not before Mike poured out a couple of beers...through his urethra.

We got back the hotel, met some more folks,...

...and drank some delicious beer.

So that's about it.  Another fantastic weekend of sun, sand, music, booze, friendship, and of course...

To the turtle from my room that told me Sunday morning she was pregnant, see ya in court bitch.

As for everyone else, I'll see you in 6 weeks when I hit up my second DMB weekend of the year:

P.S. I still need night 2 tickets...make it happen interwebz.

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