Monday, September 14, 2009

"Adios, Amigo"

Patrick Swayze gave up his ghost (wow, what a fucking tacky pun) on Monday after losing his battle with pancreatic cancer at the age of 57.

Swayze left behind a wife of 35 years (which I find incredible, because if I become famous, I'm kicking my old lady to the hear me, you Twilight-loving wretch!? I'm not Edward!!), and almost 50 big-screen and televison roles. In his honor, I present my top 7 list of Patrick Swayze performances (in no particular order):

1) Jed in "Red Dawn" -

A rag-tag group of whiny high school kids rise up against stinky Cubans and dirty Commie bastards that take over the good ol U S of A. And they drink hot deer blood. Viva Le Wolverines!!
Plot Flaw: Sarah Palin could see Russia from her house and didn't even warn us? What a bitch.
Memorable Swayze Quote: "Well, when you grow up...then you'll know these things, Danny. Now get up here and piss in the radiator."

2) Sam in "Ghost" -

Murdered man's spirit makes pennies float and compels a psychic to protect his wife from the dude that stabbed him. Oh yeah, he also convinces every woman in the world to buy a pottery wheel. That Righteous Brothers song is surely responsible for countless out-of-wedlock pregnancies.
Plot Flaw: Whoopi Goldberg won an Oscar. Not really a plot flaw, but COME ON!
Memorable Swayze Quote: "Ditto."

3) Darrel in "The Outsiders" -

Preppies are rude, Billy the Kid uses a butterfly knife, the Karate Kid gets burned, Soul Man has an epiphany, and Swayze is the king of the greaseballs.
Plot Flaw: Diane Lane doesn't get naked
Memorable Swayze Quote: "You smoke more than a pack today and I'll skin you. Understood?"

4) Johnny in "Dirty Dancing"

Big-nosed Jewish girl goes to uppity Catskills summer camp with her parents, learns to shake her ass to somewhat tolerable 60's music, convinces father to help woman that had back-alley abortion, has sex with older man-whore, and stars in grand finale of talent show to a song from three decades in the future.
Plot Flaw: Baby is too young to drive a car, but has sex with a dude in his late 20's, and somehow everybody is okay with this? Pedophilia's never been so well received.
Memorbale Swayze Quote: "Nobody puts Baby in a corner." - except maybe her father, you creepy pederast.

5) Adrian in SNL Chippendale's sketch with Chris Farley -

Patrick Swayze - Chippendale
Uploaded by tressage. -

One of the funniest bits in Saturday Night Live history, and I just had to include it.

6) Dalton in "Roadhouse" -

Bouncer cleans up shit-kicker bar with the help of that old biker dude from Mask, shows bare ass to homely waitress, and rips out a guys throat. Jeff Healey never plays "Angel Eyes".
Plot Flaw: None, it's the perfect ass-whipping testosterone-laden man movie.
Memorable Swayze Quote: "Pain don't hurt."

7) Bodhi in "Point Break" -

Two Feds (Secreatariat lookalike and the dude from the Matrix) go undercover to infiltrate bank robbers/surfers/skydivers, many "Whoa''s" ensue, Swayze dies at the end...or does he?
Plot Flaw: Gary Busey and Keanu Reeves are the FBI agents. I'll suspend reality when watching a movie, but that's just ridiculous.
Memorable Swayze Quote: "Adios, Amigo."

Adios, indeed.


  1. Steen and I saw "Point Break" in the theater. Bodhi 4 life!!

  2. Point Break & Roadhouse are two all-time classics. Those two roles should be at the top.

  3. Well Matty, if I've learned anything from Vanessa Williams songs (and really, haven't we all?) it's that you "Save The Best For Last."

  4. ok, in dirty dancing her father did not perform an abortion he helped the girl out after she had one from a butcher (it was the 60's)

  5. Shit Mom, you're right, and it's been corrected. Cut me some slack, I had this blog posted within a few hours of Swayze's death and wrote most of it from memory.

  6. I heard that they just started filming "Ghost II". They should be able to save a lot of money on special effects and makeup.


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