Thursday, December 23, 2010

Season's Tweetings!

Most people use Facebook.  While I have an account, I don't exactly contribute.  It seems that you can't make a joke on there without everyone taking it serious.  It really only seems good for letting everyone know how fucked up their relationships are.  I got no time for that nonsense.

Some folks use Myspace, but if you do, please exit this blog right now.  You're obviously not over 18 and if you are, then you're likely a child predator.

Me?  I'm a card-carrying member of the Twitterverse.  If you're unfamiliar with Twitter (and if you are, shame on you, shortbus), it's about getting to the point.  Everything you post must contain 140 or less characters.  Wanna talk about a movie?  140 characters or less.  Want to make a comment on the current state of politics in this country?  140 characters or less.  Want to talk about your shitty relationship?  140 characters or less...but no one gives a shit.

I use Twitter as a creative outlet.  Whether it's a clever observation, witty joke, or even the most vile disgusting thing I can think of (and I can), I can post it on Twitter and not have to worry about being judged.  Or at least knowing that I'll never meet most of the people that read my fucked up thoughts.

Since many of you don't use Twitter, I've decided to post  a year's worth of tweets from yours truly.  A "Best Of..." if you will.  Be warned that this is particularly long (that's what she said), so you may want to bookmark the page for future viewing.  I recommend printing it out so you can read it while pinching one off on the toilet.

And now for the disclaimer:  If you're easily offended, stop now.  If you don't think jokes about minorities, gays, politicians, religion, celebrities, athletes, etc. are funny, stop now.  If you find cursing distasteful, fucking stop now.  Are you disgusted by frank sex talk?  Then you're gonna hate hearing about the time I buttfucked frank, so stop now.  If you read this entire blog, and then tell me you're offended, then you can go eat a bag of dicks cuz you shoulda stopped at some point in this disclaimer.

Are we good?  Anyone left?  Okay then, without further ado, I present my 2010 Twitter musings:

Toby Keith Fun Fact 47: In the event of a water landing, his lips can be used as a flotation device

Toby Keith Fun Fact 6: Instead of a blowdryer, he has trailer folk wave American flags at him until his hair dries.

If you stick your cock in a cherry tomato, is it still considered a virgin?

What's the difference between virgin olive oil and extra-virgin olive oil? Has the extra-virgin never even been fingered?

Phil Mickelson plans to buy 105 Waffle Houses this week. Will rename it "Lefty's Heartburn and Ugly Waitresses with Smoker's Cough House"

It's a hot one in Orlando today. I felt creative so I wrote the first novel to appear on Twitter. You're reading it right now. The End.

Watching Dodgers. Vincente Padilla hasn't even thrown a pitch and his hair is soaked. The guy sweats like Rosie O'Donnell at a seafood buffet

Lotsa fireworks going off tonight, but they're nothing compared to the bombs that are bein dropped in the toilet by the Nathan's contestants

Does anyone work harder than the plunger in Joey Chestnut's house? Cripes, I bet that guy can shit some logs. Big ol' 4 ft anaconda turds.

There's a Nascar driver named Almonddinger. Why is he not sponsored by Hostess?

People think incest is disgusting. I think it's all relative.

Watched the movie "Knowing" Sunday night. As far-fetched as the premise is, the least believable thing is Nic Cage-astrophysicist #BadActor   I’ve only included this because it shows my disgust for Nic Cage hasn’t subsided…he’s FUCKING terrible

Also watched Benjamin Button last night. With a 2hr 47 min running time, I thought it was 167 minutes too long.

Dunno what would be more boring: watching Benjamin Button or listening to Ben Stein narrate it as an audio book.

I’m watching America's Got Talent...turns out they don't

Off to bed. I'm going to dream of a world where cats and dogs give each other high fours, water and oil mix, and farts smell like Obsession.

The worst thing about having sex with a Chinese girl is that you're horny an hour later.

My pet lobster won't share his toys. He’s so shellfish.

I bet Martha Stewart pees in the shower.

@Tinaannb Will you dye your pubes blue so I can call your vag "smurf turf?" C'mon, you know you want me to smurf the smurf outta that smurf!

Just read the cast list of upcoming season of "Dancing with the Stars". Should be called "Dancing With The Who The Fuck Are These People?"

Just finished eating a few clusters of snow crab legs. The smell of my fingers brings back memories of high school dating.

Just ate two Activia's for breakfast. Might be a good time to throw an extra roll of TP into the bathroom.

I made banana and peanut butter crepes for breakfast along with some bacon. That's why my wife gives me the special sex.

I bet crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

If you jerk off while you have the swine flu, would that be considered "pulled pork"?

Chris Chelios is back in the NHL at 48. He's gonna need Viagra to get a high sticking call. #oldassman

Dear Meredith Baxter, coming out of the closet now is pointless. I can't jerk off to the thought of a 62 year old rug muncher! Or can I?

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one person enjoys it?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Man, Tiger Woods texts are graphic - "I wanna put my cock in your ass then shove it down your throat" - and that was to Arnold Palmer.

Watching "White Christmas" for the first time. Pretty sure Bing Crosby putts from the rough.

I will no longer be telling racist jokes. Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

American Idol is on tonight?! I can't not give a fuck.

Rihanna reminds me of Bridgette Nielsen in Rocky IV except that Bridgette wasn't getting punched by Chris Brown.

I like to listen to "Endless Love" while jerking off. Who says romance is dead?

Phil Harris is dead. I guess catching a stroke is deadlier than crab fishing so they should rename the show.

Dunno why I always look at the tissue after I blow my nose. It's not like it's going to be jelly beans, always snot. Weird

Chris Berman renews contract with ESPN. "Thank Goodness!", says absolutely no one. #ESPNSucksAss

Chris Berman's toupee has also received a multi-year contract. "Congrats!", said Stuart Scott's good eye. #ESPNSucksAss

I'm bored. I wish we had a theme park in Orlando.

Thank you Kid Rock for telling me to drink responsibly. Let me return the favor by sharing with you the miracle that is shampoo.

So this guy comes into a, wait, it was a horse. So this guy comes into a horse...

Drew Barrymore turns 35 today. I didn't know horses lived that long.

"Groundhog Day" is on AGAIN...ironic.

Orca kills trainer. Investigators say it was a crime of splashin'.

Love how the old lady in front of me at the grocery was going through all her coins like she's gonna win some fuckin loose change award.

"How To Train Your Dragon" is also the title of my upcoming guide to proper masturbation technique.  Different audience, methinks.

Chatroulette both intrigues and scares me. I could get lucky and find Jessica Alba, or it could be a grown man in a cat outfit jerking off..

I'm at a rest stop outside of Tampa and am very disappointed in the lack of gay sex going on.

I know the job market is slim, but why become a suicide bomber? There's no room for advancement.  Suckers.

I just picked a booger that looks like the Virgin Mary. There's already a bunch of old Hispanic ladies lined up in front of my house.

Well, it's been a lovely Earth Day. Too bad it was hijacked by those new hi-def pictures of the sun. The sun is a real asshole.

Nintendo is selling a Dark Wii. It's just like the original Wii except that it's entirely black and the controller is twice as long.

Big Ben, Lawrence Taylor, & Mike Tyson to star in detective reality show called "Roethlisberger & Associates: Private Eyes" or RAPE for short.

Am I the only guy out there that thinks the lead singer for "Train" likes to have a little doodoo on his wiener? #JustSayin

So should I do some chores? Or just say fuck it and have a bloody mary? I hate these kinda choices.

In Arkansas, people think "relative humidity" is the term for the sweat created during sex.

The most environmentally-friendly show on TV is "Two and a Half Men". All of their jokes are recycled.

Why do people say something is "gay" instead of saying its stupid? That's just so fucking gay.

If you're offended by masturbation, you need to get a grip.

I bet if you're an uncircumcised Jedi in the Star Wars universe, you get pretty tired of people saying "May the foreskin be with you"

I'm burping up fish oil pills. Now I know what Rosie O'Donnell's breath must smell like.

Gary Coleman dies after a fall. "Whatchou talkin' bout, gravity?"

Rue McClanahan died yesterday. Betty White continues to screen Death's phone calls.

The best thing about being married to a petite woman is that my weiner looks so big in her tiny hands.

I bet you can add 2-3 inches to your weiner if you stick it in a hornet's nest. #RandomThought

I married @Tinaannb 9 years ago today. I wonder if I can get her to tongue punch my fart box? #WhatTheHellIsWrongWithMe?

Elena Kagan's wearing a bright blue pantsuit to her judicial confirmation. Now waiting for Oompa Loompa's to roll her into the juicing room.

Former Tennis star Jennifer Capriati hospitalized after overdosing on what I assume was chili cheese fries topped with gravy and porkchops. #ThickGal

Never ask an epileptic person "What's shakin?".

Are rappers that lose weight, gain weight, lose weight, gain weight etc., known as yo-yo-yo dieters?

My Grandmother has a rotary cellphone. #JustKiddingShesDead

Glenn Beck's novel debuted at #1 on the NY Times list. Who knew he was so good at creating fiction? I mean, besides everyone with a brain.

Does attorney John Morgan handle the Pope's legal affairs? He always states he's "For the papal.". #Orlando #SouthernDrawl

Attention please! Sugar-free candy sucks assballs. That is all.

The lead singer from Train is so flaming that a fire marshall should be present when they perform. #DropsInThePoopiter

I think they named the band Train because the lead singer likes it in the caboose. #HeySoulFister

Train's big hit "Meet Virginia" was originally titled "Hate Vagina". #FACT #SheSucksACockADay #WaitThatsMeButAnyway

My lovely wife @Tinaannb just ripped not one but two farts right next to me. Good LAWD!

Between California’s prop 8 and Discovery Channel programming, it's an awesome week...for gay sharks.

I'm not racist. Heck, I got a colored TV. #TheSouth

My brother's fiancé swears by the ShakeWeight. I can't wait til she accidentally rips his cock off.

Wedding over. Drinks consumed. Brother married. Holy shit, its 4am. Booger turds fart cock pussy face cum chugging road whore.

I apologize for last night's expletive laced tweet. I was drunk...and forgot to say shitballs cocksucker.

Northbound I-75 is more backed up than a gay man's rectum.

The best part about playing poker with a leper is eventually they'll throw their hand in.

For dinner tonight I ate tuna the way God intended...out of a foil packet. #Starkist #WifeCantCook

iTunes just randomly followed Jack Johnson's "Drink The Water" with DMB's "Don't Drink The Water". I should just have vodka.

People in this country have gotten so fat that it's just a matter of time before we have sit-down comedians. #I'llBeHereAllWeek

My wife asked for a cocktail so I braided my pubes

Huge gas explosion outside of San Fran. Hope it doesn't involve a lighter, paper towel tube, and missing gerbil.

Winnie Cooper had a kid today, which reminded me that an item on my bucket list is to fuck her while Fred Savage narrates.

I love that Chris Berman does commercials for Weight Watchers and Applebee's, cuz nothing says healthy like a quesadilla burger.

Warner Brothers announces they're "going green". Big deal, they've been recycling movies for years.

Watching Minute To Win It. Not only do these look like stupid drinking games, but a fratboy douche with frosted tips hosts it. #TVSucks

Gatorade and vodka seems like the perfect drink for exercising your liver.

Watching The Office on TBS right now is the high point of my day. Except when I murdered that prostitute this morning.

Lady Gaga has a new fragrance coming out? Does it smell like a tucked ballsack?

Dear Airtran: Is it really that cost-effective to use a plane so small that I can taste my own balls?

I haven't been inside something this tight since my high school girlfriend. #AirTran

Midol should be the official sponsor of Airtran. 'Cuz this plane is fucking cramped.

If a black cow and a white cow have a baby, would it be considered a moo-latto? #RacistAnimal

Vanilla Ice has a home improvement show on DIY network this fall. I can't wait to hear Bob Vila's hip-hop album.

I know these bets have become tradition, but I think San Fran's mayor's wager of "free handjobs for everyone" is kinda creepy. #WorldSeries

Tim Lincecum has been hit with more balls tonight than most guys on Castro St. Course, it IS just a Wednesday. #WorldSeries

The Prez was following me on Twitter? Bet he got turned off by all the black jokes.

I've been called a racist and homophobe via Twitter in the last 24 hrs. It's pretty insulting. Fucking blaggots. #NewWord #PatentPending

Nice try, Wendy's, but I'm not coming there for a salad and baked potatoes. It's large fries and a Baconator cuz this is AMERICA!

The way Michigan's Denard Robinson plays football, it's just a matter of time before he starts a dog fighting ring.

Just flipped over and saw Ellen Degenere's on a commercial during Rachel Maddow's show. Now I picture them scissoring. Great.

Spoiler Alert: Chili makes you fart. Perhaps a few cold beers will stop this gas. Nope. #ItsWorse

Dear Radio Stations: Summer's over. Please stop playing "California Gurlz." It fucking sucks. Sincerely, Everyone.

I was " Walking like an Egyptian" this morning, and @tinaannb told me to stop being "The Bojangles." #FAIL #NowIWantFriedChicken

Being dyslexic would be pretty cool, cuz instead of going to church, you'd spend Sundays at the dog park. #ThinkAboutIt

I think the only reason the GOP is backing Chris Coons D-DEL is so FoxNews can talk about how the Republicans support Coons.

Ya know, it would be nice if every once in awhile, Apple asked me to download updates to iTunes, Safari, and MobileMe.

So LeBron James thinks people hate him because he's black? Nice try. People hate you because you're a fucking jagoff.

There's more picks in the Seattle/St Louis game then you'll see at a Black Panthers meeting. #Racist

Turns out the link has to do with breast cancer and is not in fact just pictures of Carson Palmer's vagina. #NFL

Brett Favre sends texts, vmails, and pics of his weiner to a chick that's not his wife. Of course they get intercepted.

I wish I had some cash so I could buy gold and sell it for cash. #ImStupid

Why is Nancy Grace angry all of the time? Is it because she's so fucking ugly? #RealLifeMissPiggy

Not to be outdone by Apple/Beatles, Microsoft today announced that they'll offer the entire "The Monkees" catalog on Zune.

Saw an obese man sitting outside of Walmart eating an 8 piece box of fried chicken and drinking a 2 liter of Mountain Dew.#GodBlessAmerica

Okay Peyton Manning, we get it, you can read defenses, but would it fucking kill ya to just walk up and snap the ball? #HumanRainDelay

Jay Cutler just got sacked by his own offensive lineman. Dude's easier to hit than a Kardashian's poon. #NFL

The Saints defense is so bad that they're gonna bring in Michael Brown to coordinate it. #NFL #FEMA

Is there a 5 second rule between a dog licking his dirty asshole and then my face? #NotThatThatJustHappened

I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.

My wife’s family came down for a visit over Thanksgiving:

My father-in-law really thinks that cheese pies are delicious. He says "cheese pies" because he can't pronounce quesadilla.

"That girl from Dirty Dancing got some work on her chin and is gorgeous now." - @Tinaannb's fam. Chin? Really?#WhoNose

My Father-in-law just poured himself a glass of cabernet, didn't like it, so he added ice cubes and Kool-aid. He likes it now. #FACT

Tried to explain Facebook vs Twitter to @Tinaannb's fam tonight. Once you hear "the inter-what?", you know you're done.


My wife's parents just informed me they're buying a house near us. Well Merry Fucking Christmas to me, where's my vodka? #FML

Father-in-law is pissed off that I don't have NFL Network, handed him my phone so he can watch via Verizon...drops my phone, blames me. #FML

My wife's aunt is trying to figure out Skype, just looked up, stared right in my eye and said "I'm stupid." My work is done here.

So @Tinaannb's family is Skyping with the fam back in Illinois and I'm the bad guy for pulling my cock out. Webcam, people, it's what I do.

I was able to get my entire fist in the turkey. It must have gone to Catholic school. #Thanksgiving

Today I am thankful for the guy that invented toilet paper, because I have the shits. #Thanksgiving

I'm thankful for vibrators. It frees up more time for me to watch football. #Thanksgiving

Ummm, why is there a big skinless cock and a bag of testicles in the cavity of this turkey? 

Having trouble finding a "turkey cock soup" recipe online. Thanks for nothing, Butterball. 

So there's a skinless cock and ballbag inside the turkey, and I rubbed butter on it's breasts. Pretty sure that's third base. #Thanksgiving

Carson Palmer would have been a great conquerer since he overthrows everything. #NFL #HistoryReference

Obama pardoned a turkey, which now opens the door for a terrorist turkey army. Nice going. #Thanksgiving #FoxNews

My father-in-law is drinking a margarita. He is literally licking salt off of his hand before every sip. #WTF #Speechless #Thanksgiving

My dog's name is Guinness, not Gingiss, @Tinaannb's dad. Though it would explain why so many high school kids call my dog before prom season.

I wish people would stop writing on my Facebook wall. That's MY fucking wall. MINE! Write on your own walls. Fucking assholes.

Sourdough pretzels are the greatest thing in the world, aside from the free handjobs my priest gave me as a boy.

So I have my Skype account set up, pants around my ankles, and not one video call. Worst. CyberMonday. Ever.

So Cyber Monday has nothing to do with online sex? Talk about false advertising...

Watching "Training Day" right now on HBO Signature. There should be an Oscar for hot women that go full frontal. #EvaMendes

It's National Computer Security Day. Anyone know where I can buy a diaphragm for a USB port?

Eating spicy chili for 3 straight days was a horrible idea. It's as if Jackson Pollock painted the inside of my toilet.

3 people were shot in a St. Louis funeral home today. Sure it's tragic, but also pretty darn convenient, am I right?

Sorry Fleshlight, but I prefer more of a “hands on" approach to my masturbation.

Dear Creedence Clearwater Revival: while you were looking out your back door, I came in through the front and stole all your shit.

Chanukah starts today. I chope the Jews chave a chappy 8 days this choliday season.

A driver's license instructor got arrested for banging a teenage girl in exchange for a passing grade. Hope he didn't give her DMVD.

So "push notifications" are NOT what ob-gyn's give women during pregnancy? #ComputerIlliterate

I cut a hole in the mouth of the tiger on my box of Frosted Flakes. Then I used it to make my own milk. #CerealRapist

I don't fully understand politics, but do you still qualify for Bush tax cuts if you shave your pubes?

Ben Roethlisberger is 9 for 13 for 110 yards and a TD so far. Man, he is just RAPING this Miami defense. #NFL

I thought the Octomom's vagina was a big hole until I watched the Tampa Bay rushing defense. #NFL

Mike Shanahan is so dark that the Republicans are trying to deport him. #NFL #JerseyShore

When Jay Cutler retires from football, he's gonna make a fortune with his new bakery. #Turnovers #NFL

Mike Shanahan might be the only Redskin with actual red skin. #NFL

SeaWorld is laying off employees, though many are jumping through hoops to keep their jobs.  #ThinkAboutIt

I keep seeing signs around town for seasoned firewood, yet nobody carries lemon pepper. That's some bullshit.

Gave my Father-in-law a check for $100 based on me underestimating the Chicago Bears. He doesn't like my signature, says it's inedible.

Anyone know if there's a "porn of the month" club? My pastor is so hard to shop for.

Eli Manning is just like Peyton Manning except exactly the opposite.

If you aren't sure why we are still in Iraq you should watch some of this Army/ND game #NoDefense

If God really exists, wouldn't Notre Dame be undefeated every year?

Can't believe Wesley Snipes started his prison sentence yesterday and I haven't heard any "White Men Can't Hump" jokes.

Ben Roethlisberger scores, and this time he didn't rape anyone.

If I were an NBA referee, I would open a business that sells turkeys during the holidays and call it "Personal Fowls". #Thanksgiving

Dan Dierdorf just said the boos are out in Giants Stadium, which is really racist #NFL

Jay Cutler threw 4 TDs, Peyton Manning threw 4 interceptions. I am so fucking scared right now.

Santa Claus is to Kris Kringle what Andy Reid is to Krispy Kremegle. #SNF

Probably a bad sign if your ob-gyn is wearing a shirt that says "We're not leavin' til we're beavin'".

Nic Cage has a new movie coming out, which is great news for people that love terrible fucking films.

When you say "with all due respect", aren't you really just saying "fuck you"?

I am the Twitter of sex. #140PumpsOrLess

Well, that's it, 12 months worth of being inside my head.  Fucked up, huh?  Welcome to my world.  If you got a laugh out of it, forward it to your friends and follow me on Twitter:

If you didn't laugh, then you really need to do some soul-searching, because you're obviously an asshole...and nobody likes you.