So my wife finally left me for another man, a much, much older man. His name is Edward and was introduced to my wife by her friend, Jen, who I now hate. This 98 year-old Edward douche lives in the Pacific Northwest and, oh yeah, he’s also a vampire…a vegetarian vampire. And look at this guy…you could show a friggin IMAX movie on his forehead.
In case you haven’t figured it out by now, my wife didn’t literally leave me, just figuratively. She’s contracted a really bad case of Twilightis. This highly contagious virus is attacking 13 year-old girls who wish they were women, and women who wish they were still 13 year-old girls.
To all the men out there, if you’re dating a woman and she is reading the Twilight series, I recommend that you get out now. I’m not joking around, you should seriously cut all ties with your girlfriend before I finish this sentence, because it’s inevitable that you’ll never be good enough for her anyways. If you are in that unfortunate group of married men whose wife has started to read the books then you are likely screwed, but you still have a chance. I have designed a foolproof test. What you need to do is put on a pair of boxer shorts and nothing else, then walk up to your wife while she’s reading one of those devil books, knock it out of her hands and shout, “NO MORE!”, then when the book’s on the floor, kick it across the room. Finally, pull your penis out through the front hole of the boxers, rotate you hips so that your penis whirls around like a helicopter blade, and shout, “I’m better than Edward!”.
If she laughs and hugs you, then congratulations because I just saved your marriage. If she gets pissed at you, then you shouldn’t be married to an unfunny frigid bitch like that and you should leave her, so congratulations because I just saved you from a lifetime of misery. Either way, my system is right.
Now I need to talk to the women.
Are you kidding me? Vampires? Really!? Are you so blinded by romanticism that you completely overlook everything that is wrong about being with one of these vampires? Let me break it down for you:
1) Vampire Farts: The vampires in these stories are “vegetarians”, and I know what happens to your colon when you eat lots of veggies. Believe me, girls, if you go to bed with one of these vampires, you will bear witness to a thunderstorm of flatulence and a 100% chance of dutch oven.
2) Pedophilia: Edward Cullen was born in 1901 and Bella is 17. That shit is just gross, unless you’re in Mississippi.
3) Stephanie Meyer is a liar: Vampires have no reflection and cannot come out in the sunlight…those are facts (as far as facts go based on fictitious people). She writes that they can see themselves in mirrors and can come out during the day. Really?! Tell that to the poor schlubs that failed with their “For Vampires Only” stores in shopping malls that closed at sunset.
4) Inevitable Depression: The story ends, but the reader’s are still ravenously awaiting more…but there is nothing left. Now they have to re-integrate into the public after weeks of reading hibernation.
Listen to me ladies, it’s a book not a lifestyle. The story is over, good run while it lasted, blah, blah, blah. If your husbands have survived this experience, then you should cherish him, big jim, and the the twins. I don’t have a nice, neat wrapup for this because apparently Stephanie Meyer wants to rewrite the same stories from different perspectives. 4 more books? That are same as the last 4? Ummm, no thanks. No one is stupid enough to fall for that.
Nobody tell my wife, though, cuz she’ll totally buy those new books.