Thursday, September 3, 2009

The Tell-Tale Shart

I now have one less pair of boxer shorts. You see, everyone tells you that beans make you toot, but back in July, I discovered the REAL magical fruit…dried apricots. I’ve eaten them all my life, but always in moderation. That fateful night in July, I ate two full bowls of these crap-tastic suckers. The following day, what my digestive system went through is nearly indescribable. Picture those scenes on Black Friday, when shoppers are lined up thousands deep outside of Wal-mart, and when the doors open at 5am, they explode through them with elbows flying and punches thrown while stepping on the fallen bodies of their fellow shoppers.

I’m sure you see where I’m going here, but for those not following, imagine that those people are human excrement and Wal-mart is a toilet…which, come to think of it, isn’t that far of a stretch.

It was a day I’ll never forget. It started so innocently, a few farts in the morning, nothing unusual.

But after a few cups of coffee, my bowels UNLEASHED HELL!

I’ll try to describe this as delicately as I can without getting overly disgusting. Let me just say that I was running from the couch to the toilet so quickly, that Usain Bolt gave me a gold medal. I went through a 2000 Flushes puck in a mere 10 hours and enough toilet paper to supply every high school homecoming festivity in America. And the inside of the toilet looked like I was either chumming the ocean for a great white or trying to replicate a Jackson Pollock canvas.

And the noises coming from my backdoor trots sounded like the horn section of a Milwaukee polka band combined with a 4th of July fireworks celebration.

And the odor…oh god, the odor. A funereal bouquet of decomposition. Imagine Rosie O’Donnell running the New York Marathon while wearing leather hot pants in 110 degree heat, and then when she crosses the finish line, you have to smell her pungent taint.

And with this bout of Montezuma’s Revenge came the gallons of perspiration. Seriously, I was sweating like a gerbil in a gay bar.

By the end of the evening, my rectum was raw and I’d developed tendinitis in my elbow from all the wiping. Another painful lesson learned in my stupid ass life.

The reason I’m writing about this right now is twofold:

1) For all of you people spending insane amounts of money on colonics, a 36oz bag of dried apricots will run you $6.12 at Sam’s Club. I just saved you a shitload of money. Pun intended.

2) I know the current price because I bought it today. And I’m snacking on some as I write this blog. And I’m wondering what would happen if I ate three bowls of them.

Actually, it would be more accurate to say that I’m seriously considering eating three bowls of these little fecal forcers. Why? Why would I do that to myself after everything I just wrote? Because I’m fuckin stupid, and maybe, just maybe, I will get my 15 minutes of fame. Even if it is just a brief mention in the New England Journal of Medicine as the first person to literally shit their brains out.


  1. kinda funny, but still gross

  2. You suck and write like a 5-year-old LOL

  3. I didn't think you needed any more help in the farting department just Bud light like usual. Big daddy


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