Thursday, September 10, 2009

Douches Wild!

I was watching the Presidential Address on health care last night, and about halfway through the speech, South Carolina Republican Joe Wilson shouted, “You lie!” Now regardless of what side of the aisle you sit on, heckling a sitting President as a member of Congress seems pretty unprofessional. He may as well have just yelled “Look at me! Look at me!” because it’s obvious that his intention was to get his name in the paper so that his red state constituents will back this “good ‘ol boy” in his next election.

“Hey Billy Bob, y’all see that Wilson feller give it to Osama on the TV last night? That there’s my kind of American. If'in I wadn’t a felon, and knew what a lie-bary was, I’d go to there and vote fer him, yes sir.”

In honor of Joe Wilson’s unnecessary outburst, I present a list of douchebags in no particular order:

1. Actor Charlie Sheen –

The former addict of porno, drugs, prostitutes, and gambling, has recently scripted an “imagined” interview with the President concerning the September 11 attacks. Apparently, this douchebag is a conspiracy theorist and believes the events of 9/11 were perpetrated by our own government and that Osama Bin Laden is on the U.S. payroll. Look, Charles, I’m sure there are much smarter men than you looking into this. Why don’t you just get back to making more episodes of that completely brainless sitcom you’re in on ABC? Although… Ya know, Charlie, on second thought, you should cancel that sitcom and focus all of your energy on researching 9/11 and never get in front of a camera again. Ever. Never ever. Please.

2. Guys with fake tans, spiked hair, and tight t-shirts that call each other “brah” –

At this point, they’ve actually become parodies of themselves. Baggadouche.

3. Television Executives

Let me see if I’ve got this straight. “Arrested Development” was cancelled after winning six Emmy Awards and a Golden Globe in only two and a half seasons, but was essentially too sharp and witty for FOX, a network that showcases cartoons and “Prison Break”. “According To Jim” was on the air for eight years…EIGHT!! How the hell is that possible? At least “Arrested Development” was original. This stupid ass “Jim” show is about a fat guy married to a skinny woman…and they have kids. Holy shit! That’s brilliant! Nobody’s ever witnessed a sitcom with that family dynamic in the history of television! Stupid Douchebags!

4. Musician Axl Rose –

His ego ruined one of the great rock bands of all time. And he had cornrows in his hair. And he got to have sex with Stephanie Seymour. Trifecta of douchery.

5. Girls that pucker up in every picture they take –

Why has this become a trend? Knock it off you silly whores. You look like a largemouth bass.

6. Producers Mary-Ellis Bunim and Jon Murray –

In 1992, they created the genesis of reality television with “The Real World,” and a genre was launched. 17 years later, we have “Goat Swap,” “Who Wants to Bang a Midget?” and “Let’s All Marry A Fatty.” We now live in a world where William Hung, Tila Tequila, and Richard Hatch are famous, and more people vote for “American Idol” than do for the Presidential election. And it all started with Bunim/Murray Productions. Thanks for dumbing-down America, you douchebags.

7. Frat Boys –

Don’t believe me? Try talking to one.

8. Movie Critic Joel Siegel –

In 2006, Siegel walked out of a screening of Clerks II about 40 minutes into the flick. But in true douchebag fashion, he didn’t go quietly. Rather, he yelled out “Time to go!” and “This is the first movie I’ve walked out of in 30 fucking years!” Why be courteous to your fellow moviegoers, when being a self-centered jackass is so much easier? By the way, that movie was funny as hell, and Joel Siegel is dead, so…yeah.

9. The entire cast of “The View” –

Imagine standing in the middle of a cornfield filled with crows, and all you can hear is a cacophony of “CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW!” at an incessantly high volume. That seems to be the premise of this show that “empowers” women by reducing themselves to the lowest common denominator of arguing, whiny, bitchy little brats that try to win arguments by out-douching each other.

10. Author Stephanie Meyer –

This douchebag authored the Twilight series and brainwashed my wife:
This is obviously just a small representation of the douchebag population. I could fill a book with the names of lying politicians, hypocritical Christians, ignorant racists, corporate thieves, and pompous yuppie assholes. Hmm, I wonder if I could get an Oprah Book Club sticker on “The Big Book of Douchebags?”

Yeah?! Thanks…you douchebag!


  1. #1 Douchebag = Twilight hater!
    #2 Douchebag = He who calls out other douches!
    Yeah, that means you Floridachad!
    Love you! :P

  2. You forgot Hitler. you cant have a douchebag list without him

  3. Yes, I did leave off Hitler as well as a number of historical douchebags. I was going for more of a recent events douchebag theme. Ya know, like #12) People that leaves comments as ANONYMOUS because they lack the testicular fortitude to leave their name. But I digress...


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