The Internet is for Porn

Every once in awhile, I get instant messages from what I guess are IM robots, trying to lure me to their sex sites. Normally I just report them as spam, but I was bored on this fine Saturday and decided to play along. The following is the ACTUAL exchange I had today with a porn-bot:

whitneylamb8066: Whats up?!
floridachad: my weiner

whitneylamb8066: hello?

floridachad: Is it me you're looking for? Yeah, I'm a big Lionel Richie fan myself

whitneylamb8066: do i know you??

floridachad: Absolutely. I'm the dude that watches you through your bathroom window when you're taking a dump.

whitneylamb8066: ohh hey what's up babes??

floridachad: Not much. Just got done eating dinner. I had grilled kittens with a wasabi sauce.

whitneylamb8066: i've been a little busy with work, just got home and fresh out of the shower! i'm kinda feeling a little naughty lol..u?

floridachad: Sure. You wanna go burn down someone's house? I have a new lighter that I've been dying to try out.

whitneylamb8066: yeah i'm horny lolz! u?

floridachad: Arson makes you horny? That's a bit odd. You know what'd be sexy? You should stick a potato peeler up your hoo-hah and then douche with some Texas Pete hot sauce.

whitneylamb8066: Mhhm babe i love a guy who knows what he wants..can u be that guy ??

floridachad: Are you asking me to kill somebady and then take his place? I could totally do that.

whitneylamb8066: I love to tease my man and please him..u like that babes??

floridachad: Do I like to be teased? Not really, I think that's pretty fucking rude. I want to helicopter kick you in the face now.

whitneylamb8066: Nice!! lolz i even like to dress up for my man...u into that?

floridachad: Definitely. Will you dress up in a Chewbacca outfit? I'd love some wookie nookie.

whitneylamb8066: ..do you have a cam?

floridachad: By "cam" do you mean a rotating or sliding piece in a mechanical linkage used especially in transforming rotary motion into linear motion or vice versa, because I have a shitload of those just lying around.

whitneylamb8066: I have one but you're not a kid right?

floridachad: I'm 12, but I'll be 13 in November. Do you like bubble gum? I eat my own boogers.

whitneylamb8066: Can never really be sure..you know??

floridachad: I have no idea what you're talking about. My dog licks his own butthole.

whitneylamb8066: k ..well im gonna show you ..k?

floridachad: Show me what? What the hell are you babbling about? You sound like a fucking moron.

whitneylamb8066: yup, just put in your info so the system can verify your age, u got it?

floridachad: What'll I use to verify my age, my driver's license? I'm only 12!! I want to stab you about the face and neck with a spork.

whitneylamb8066: i use this site to play on cause i don't want to be recorded!...this site doesn't allow people to record my cam! u know?

floridachad: No, I don't know. Are you on drugs? Cuz I think drugs are kick ass. I just farted and it smells like Taco Bell.

whitneylamb8066: credit card is just to verify your age, u get in for free thru my cam session invite but u need to verify babe ..cant show tits and pussy to minors..you know? lolz

floridachad: I don't have a credit card, because again, I'm only 12 years old. But I'm still interested in the whole tits and pussy looking. Will you accept a pack of Yu-Gi-Oh cards and my pet bullfrog, Jeremiah?

whitneylamb8066: Sorry babe you have to put in a vaild cc number so they know ur not a kid.. kidz r not allowed

floridachad: Oh, then why the fuck are you teasing me? I told you that teasing is not cool. I'm gonna come to your house and murder you in your sleep.

whitneylamb8066: let me know if you need any help..i'm gonna slip into something nice for you..k?

floridachad: I wish you would slip on a patch of ice and break your vagina.

whitneylamb8066: if its not working u can check out my other site babes.. go to http://tinyurl.com/CHOOSEME2 scroll all the way down to the bottom babe, and you will see "friends of ME!!!", click that and when you get the password page, put in the password:"lucky" okay?

floridachad: That sounds like a lot of work. I'm just gonna take my dog and some peanut butter into my bedroom. I have a racecar bed.

whitneylamb8066: k

floridachad: Allrightythen, I guess this is goodbye. Good luck with whatever the fuck it is you do and try not to catch gonorrhea.

whitneylamb8066: hello???

floridachad: Are you there God? It's me, Margaret.

whitneylamb8066: are u in babe???

floridachad: Well, I have a pretty small penis, cuz again, and I can't stress this enough, I'm only 12. I'm pretty sure I'm in though, oh, no wait, that's your butthole. Wow, you're really hairy down there. You should get a controlled burn to thin out some of that bush.

Much to my disappointment, she never responded. Still, it was a fun time waster, and I look forward to my next IM.