Chad and Tina cruise the Western Carribean Part 1 (from 2007)

Day 1:

Okay, gonna have to bear with me cuz we just booked this cruise on Jan. 14 and departed on Jan. 19 (living in Florida + having no children = last second travel steals). We're taking an 8 day cruise from Ft. Lauderdale to Colon, Panama, - Limon, Costa Rico, - Belize City, Belize, and back to Ft. Lauderdale. 8 days. And the first three days we're trapped on the ship. Scary as this sounds to some people, I embrace the days at sea because there's no rush to do anything. Unless of course you're Tina, in which case you try to schedule out the hours of the days.

Anywho, day 1 was basically us boarding the ship and walking around to familiarize ourselves with the vessel. While walking, I noted that most of our fellow passengers were old enough to share a yearbook with Moses. With all the living fossils on this cruise, I felt like I was living in a paleontologist’s wet dream. As the ship sailed out of the port, the upper decks were full of passengers waving goodbye to all of the people that were seeing us off, which consisted of a handful of scruffy looking dock workers.

Tina and I spent the departure time on our room’s balcony.

We were escorted out to sea by the US Coast Guard.


Later, we hung out at the back of the ship near the waterslide.


Enjoying wine with dinner the first night. Very nice.

When we got back to our room that evening, we saw that our room steward made us a towel animal. I think it’s a bear cub. Either way, it’s nice to know we have a backup plan in case we run out of toilet paper.

Day 2:

We woke up in the morning with Cuba outside of our window. Those aren’t clouds over the island, it’s cigar smoke.

We spent the whole second day at sea.

One of the highlights of cruising for me is the unlimited supply of bacon available. I love bacon the way a mother loves her son…well, I mean, ya know, except you shouldn’t eat your kids, that’d be just sick. Anyways, I’m sure you get the point. I had twelve slices this morning and my hearts never felt stronger.

The rest of the day, we enjoyed the sun and pool, gambled at the casino, and Tina played bingo. Yep, that’s right, bingo. This game brings out the worst in every sweet grandma in the world. The best part is when one little old lady yells out “BINGO!” and 99 other little old ladies say “AWWWWW!” followed by an under the breath “fuck”. The worst part of the game? The stupid douche that calls out the numbers. “It’s not malignant, it’s B-9” and “It’s what Tarzan said when he was old enough to vote; I-18”. I started to think that maybe all the ladies that were playing were actually in their 20’s and 30’s but aged prematurally after constantly being exposed to these old, stale jokes. Oh yeah, and the second worst part of the game? You can never win it. It’s stupid and I hate it. What a waste of twenty dollars.

We got all fancied up for dinner that evening.

Waiting for us in our room that night was another towel animal. And for some reason, Tina was mildly turned on by it.

Day 3:

Well, we’re still at sea. This morning’s breakfast is a plate of bacon with a side of bacon. Then we participate in a few of the ship activities until we begin to wear down. Guess we can go eat, or sleep by the pool, or go to the casino. Or eat and drink until we pass out by the pool. Instead, I went to go work out (wha-wha-what?!) and Tina went down to go play bingo…again. I burned off 200 calories and Tina burned off another 20 dollars. Bingo is stupid, and so is exercising. We head to bar, grab a load of foo-foo drinks and head back to our room.

We arrive in Panama tomorrow and have to get off the boat at 7am to begin our tour so we’re going to bed early. Unfortunately, we’re in our room before the turn-down service, so no towel animals. Dammit. I was crossing my fingers for a rhinoceros tonight.

Day 4:

PANAMA! Dun-dun dun-da-da-da PANAMA_HUH!

We disembark our ship in Colon, Panama, and Tina and I board a bus to begin our shore excursion. I had breakfast on the run, which essentially consisted of a glass of OJ and a fistful of bacon. I call this the bacon bar. Our first stop is a waterfront hotel where we board some boats…

…and head to an island to visit with an Indian tribe.

They were a nice bunch but the irony is that we’re in Colon, but not one person uses it. Oh well, it’s no worse than a Tina fart. They danced for us, and through a translator, gave us the history of their tribe.

This girl walks around with a small monkey on her head:

We leave this island before they start building casinos, and hop back on the boats back to the hotel. While waiting for the rest of our people to return from the island, I walk around the hotel to check out the local art. It’s not cubist art, or even abstractionist art, but a form which I can only describe as fellationist?

Next stop…

We were there when a ginormous Princess Cruise Lines ship came through, the Coral Princess. It cost this cruise line $233k to pass through the canal, and the Panama Canal only accepts cash. Note to self: build a canal.

This ship is lowered some 80 feet before it can continue through the canal to the lower sea level. I haven’t seen a dropoff this steep since George Bush’s approval ratings came out.

We leave the canal, head back to our ship and have dinner and drinks. Guess what’s in our room after dinner? Another towel critter. And strangely posed I might add.

Coming soon, days 5-8...