(This is the part where you pretend we have a really cool photo montage set to some badass music, like in CSI:Miami. YEAHHHH!!!!!!!!)
Day 4 - 3/2 - Aruba
After another restless night's sleep on what I believe to be a bed of nails with a sheet over it, we got cleaned up before breakfast. One of the best things about the staterooms on cruise ships are the efficient bathrooms. Where else can you wash your hair WHILE taking a dump?
Then it's on to the buffet for another heart healthy meal.
To quote Chris Rock, "I'll eat a pig's ass if they cook it right!"
We disembarked the ship for some shopping in the capital city of Oranjestad.
Awww, look at this adorable little goat-horned figurine.
I'm just gonna pick it up and take a closer look and OHMYGOD HE'S GOT A KNIFE!!!!
To ease our nerves, we made a quick stop at Senor Frogs for a morning daquiri. How adorable are we?
Next, we took a $15 cab ride to Palm Beach. The beach was extremely crowded and it was really windy out so it wasn't really that enjoyable. I'm quite certain that I'm peeing in the ocean here.
After a couple hours, we headed back downtown. On a tip from a fellow traveler, we took the bus back. It only cost $2.60. The lesson here: Bus>Taxi. While waiting for the bus to arrive, I got a can of the local beer, "Balashi," which is the same word that Tina's used for years to describe my manhood. I'm starting to believe that she's not being complimentary.
We went back to Senor Frogs for a few more cocktails. Our last one was called a "Poison Frog" which contains 4-5 types of liquor topped off with red wine. I've had erections that weren't this stiff.
Tina bought that hat on the island. It appears to be equipped with a built-in maxipad, so she's got that going for her, which is nice.
We bought a bottle of red wine and a 6-pack of Amstel Light, then went back to the ship and took a nap. That night, we had the Bavarian-themed dinner in the buffet. It was a total sausagefest.
Wow, they actually HAVE pig's ass...AND they cooked it right.
We went to two shows that evening. The first was Fernandez, "America's premiere comedy hypnotist." Not only wasn't he funny, but he failed to hypnotize most of the folks on stage. He did, however, succeed in convincing many audience members to walk out. Well done, sir.
The second was "hilarious comedian" Cary Long. The moment they announced him as a "5-time winner of Star Search", I looked at Tina and groaned. That show hasn't been on the air in 15 years, and that's your claim to fame?! Time to retire; him from comedy and us to our stateroom.
Day 5 - 3/3 - Bonaire, Netherlands Antilles
The name of this island makes me giggle like an 7th grader learning about reproduction.
It's pronouced Bow-Nair, as in "Sacre Bleu! That beautiful mademoiselle is giving me a Bonaire!"
The last time we were on this island, Tina retired from scuba diving because of difficulties equalizing the air pressure in her ears at depth. It's unfortunate because it's one the world's top diving destinations. Here's the beach where she quit last time:
We did a bit of shopping, grabbed a daquiri, and walked along the beach.
Since this was an early departure day and there wasn't alot to do in town, we headed back to the ship, but not before spotting this old man at an internet cafe...
...playing Farmville. So sad.
We got back on the ship in time to watch the ice carving demonstration. The sculptors begin with two 300+lb ice blocks...
...and started chiseling them down...
...to a finished sculpture.
Unfortunately, we failed to elect a Pope while onboard.
Bonaire (hee-hee) is a big exporter of sea salt. I believe half of this is used to season the food at Macaroni Grill.
I wish I had some of that salt now so I could rub it into my eyes.
We went below deck for another trivia beat down followed up by another waste of $20 at Tina's favorite.
Feeling dejected on this winless cruise yet elated with alcohol, Tina and I shower up, eat dinner, and go to an invitation only Captain's cocktail party for return customers. Tina met the Captain...
...and I won a raffle for a bottle of champagne.
Next, we played the Passenger Family Feud gameshow onstage and destroyed every team we played. Our prize? Another bottle of champagne!! Time to get drunk...
...and check out some more produce sculptures...
...before this creepy eggplant baby scared us away...
...and we wound up at the top deck for a PARTY!!
We drunkenly stumble back to our rooms with a plate full of snacks. The rest is a none of your business (wink).
Day 6 - 3/4 - Grenada
Pronounced "grah-NAY-dah", which is coincidental because this island should be blown up. We'd been here before and found the vendors to be very aggressive. They'll grab you and pull you towards their wares, and you have to yell at them "LOOK! I didn't travel 500 nautical miles to buy your fucking nutmeg! PISS OFF!!"
With that in mind, we decided against going into town and instead booked our first shore excursion, which of course was a "booze cruise." Here's the boat that we hopped on:
The crew began handing out rum punch right away. Tina did not like it at all because it was flavored with nutmeg, and instead grabbed a beer. I wasn't a big fan of the punch either, but after the first 3-4 glasses, it was just lovely. We took a few photos on the way to a private beach...
...as Tina sipped on beer...
...and we listened to the steel drum band.
We stayed at the beach for about 2 hours, splashing in the ocean as the crew was bringing trays full of rum punch off the boat and wading out to us in the waist high water. After about 10 drinks, I began calling our waiter "LeBron."
And I think this lady was on Everybody Loves Raymond.
On the way back to the cruise ship, all the drunken people starting doing the conga...
...and the limbo.
Raise your hand if you're drunk!
We got back to the pier, high-fived our fellow booze-cruisers, and ambled back to our ship. We went to a wine and cheese tasting before drinking a bottle of cabernet with dinner and to be honest the rest of the evening was a blur. We did take this photo for some reason:
Yeah, we definitely need to go to bed before we embarrass ourselves any further.
Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion on Friday...