Monday, March 8, 2010

Chad and Tina cruise the Southern Caribbean (Part 1 of 3)

Tina received an email from Princess Cruises on February 19th in which they offered us a heavily discounted price to take a cruise because we were repeat customers.  This trip normally costs nearly two grand, but they offered it to us for under eight hundred dollars.  The catch was that the ships leaves out of San Juan, Puerto Rico on February 28th, which was a mere 9 days away.  Since I still had the two free roundtrip airfares to anywhere JetBlue flies that I won at the Magic game last season, we booked it.

Day 1 - 2/27 - Travel Day:

On our way to the airport, we dropped off the kids for boarding: Vino, Guinness, and Liberty (not pictured).  Vino shit all over the floor right after this picture.  Good boy.

As we were sitting at our gate at Orlando International Airport, I spotted a Puerto Rican midget.  I believe they prefer to be called "Specks".  You may need to think about that one.

So we get on the plane, and after the seatbelt and emergency exit spiel, the flight attendant makes the announcement that there are baby stations in the washrooms and people should NOT change their child's diaper on their tray tables.  Yeah, that's right...they actually had to TELL the passengers that this is frowned upon.  
Besides the huge legroom, unlimited snacks and drinks, and the babyshit-stained tray tables, JetBlue also has live television.

Hey Look!  A cruise ship!

I'm enjoying a lager while Tina has an ale.  She was still hungover from the night before when she stayed up until the wee hours of the morning packing her bags and drinking wine.  Big dummy.

We had dinner in San Juan.  Tina had a shredded chicken quesadilla while yours truly feasted on a shrimp and bacon (!) burrito and drank a couple of STRONG margaritas.

We walked around a bit and wound up at the Marriot Hotel and Casino.  I won a whole $10 playing craps, we were served complimentary Medalla Light, and we listened to a Puerto Rican rock band whose name I can't remember but I called them Kings of (Ponce de) Leon.  On the way back to our hotel we stopped by a gas station to grab a beer for the walk.  They sell energy drinks in Capri-Sun packages here, which is probably why the kids talk so damn fast.

Day 2 - 2/28 - Old San Juan, PR and Embarkation:

Our cruise ship wasn't leaving port until 11PM, so we spent about five hours walking around Old San Juan.  This is the original downtown, and is still surrounded by a 20-ft thick stone wall that was constructed in the 16th century to guard against a British invasion.  I had no idea they hated The Beatles that much.

This is a sculpture of a wingless rooster with a human head and a duck tail, and is wearing a fish for a hat.  In the background is a dachsund with a giraffe neck, baboon face, and dolphin tail.  Puerto Rican marijuana must be AMAZING.

We went on tours of two forts - Fort San Felipe del Morro and Castillo de San Cristobal.

We decided to head to the cruise ship, and after a quick stop at El Walgreens for some sunblock, we shopped the duty-free for 1 bottle each of wine, vodka, and champagne, and a box of pre-made Sauza margarita.  We later discovered that "Sauza" is the spanish word for "tastes like sweat-soaked ass crack".  We then boarded the Caribbean Princess and ordered a bucket of beers.

That's odd, Tina has a pair of panties with this same warning written on it.

A big dissappointment for myself and many other cruisers was that there was no broadcast of the USA-Canada gold medal hockey game on the ship.  Epic Fail, Princess.
Our entertainment that evening was the Ghost of David Carradine and his trio of smoking hot mamacitas.  

I was invited up on stage to strap a bunch of canastas onto my ass and dance with the ladies.  Unfortunately, I had the camera in my pocket, so there is no photographic evidence of my ground-breaking dance moves.

We stopped back by our room to pick up our bottle of champagne and discovered that there were no towel animals in our room.  Epic Fail #2, Princess.
Tina and I sipped on champagne while at the sailaway party.  There I won a raffle for a huge coupon book for the stores on the islands we visit.  This gave Tina a girl-boner.

We grabbed some snacks at the party and spotted this asian warrior made out of fruits and veggies.  I call him Yam-urai.

We ended the evening with a walk through the art gallery where I spotted this great piece by Michael Godard.  Yeah, that's Caddyshack.  Olive this painting.

Day 3 - 3/1 - At Sea:

We began the day with a bacon breakfast and proceeded to play trivia where I was promptly crushed.  Then it was on to Bingo where Tina threw away $20.  We walked the ship for a bit before stopping at one of the restaurants for an "English Style Pub Lunch".  Hmm, no fish 'n chips?  WTF?  That's like going to a zoo that doesn't have animals.  Instead, we had the shrimp 'n chips with some beers and tried a Scotch Egg, which is  a hard-boiled egg wrapped in sausage/liver meat, coated with bread crumbs, and deep fried.  While the beer was tasty, this friggin egg thing was indescribably bad.  I should take a lesson from Puerto Rico and build a wall around my stomach to prevent British food from entering.

After that disgusting meal, we went to the top deck for some suntanning.  

Tina took this sexy photo of my belly button.   

Up close, it looks remarkably like the Great Pit of Carkoon.

Later that afternoon, we went to trivia again.  I got my ass handed to me because everything was from the 60's and earlier.  I guess the ship feels the need to cater to these walking dinosaurs on the cruise, instead of cool hipsters like myself.  Tina followed up that defeat by burning another $20 at bingo.  I believe we may be cursed.

We took a nap, then got dressed for dinner.  Tina is seen here posing with all the glasses of champagne that she will drink on the cruise (that's known as foreshadowing).

Here we are taking a lovely grown-up picture...

...before acting like children at dinner.  Tina's doing the chicken dance.

Excuse me waiter, can I get another dessert please?  It appears that one of the staff fornicated with mine.

We went to a song and dance performance after dinner.  All the music was from the 50's and 60's...holy shitballs, what a snoozefest.  I literally sat in the theater with a glass of cabernet in one hand, and the bottle in the other, while trying to figure out what "do-run-run-run-a-do-run-run" means.  
After spending some time and money in the casino, we headed back to room to pass out.  We arrive at our first island in the morning.  

To Be Continued...


  1. inspiring me to document my Mexico trip!

  2. You absolutely should. It makes the trip that much more memorable.

  3. Awesome stuff Chad...


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