Thursday, May 20, 2010

10 Sure-Fire Tips To Unlimited Potential Wealth

With bankruptcies and foreclosures at record levels, and nearly 10% of the US population out of work, people are in a panic to stay afloat.  Sure the economy is in the shitter, but don't despair, because I've come up with a handful of brilliant ideas that you can use to become one of the beautiful "haves", instead of the pathetic "have-not" you are right now.

#1 - Market skin bleach to immigrants in Arizona -

As long as you haven't had shit stuffed in your ears over the last few months, then you'll agree that this one practically sells itself.  All you need to do is set up a few kiosks outside of Home Depot, the alley behind a restaurant, the service entrance to a hotel, a factory; basically anywhere else you'll find low-paying jobs, like a public school.
Look at these Slammin' Sammy before and after shots.  He'll never have to worry about being pulled over for "looking suspicious" again:

Welcome to the Baseball Hall of Fame, Cracker Sosa.

#2 - Record a music CD of children's songs -

Step 1: pick a topic - animals, colors, pooping.  Step 2: pick a melody - "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star", "Old MacDonald Had A Farm", "I'm A Little Teapot", "Itsy Bitsy Spider."  Step 3: write nonsensical lyrics - "Skies are blue, eyes are blue, smurfs are blue, and balls are too."  Step 4: blend the 3 ingredients and sing in a "stereotypical homosexual male" voice.  That's it!  You're gonna need a bigger bank account.

#3 - Open a sushi stand at an amusement park -

This is a completely untapped market.  How many times have you hopped on a roller coaster, dropped over 400-ft straight down at over 100 mph, shot through a series of loop-da-loops, inverted corkscrews, and hairpin turns, and then got off the ride and said, "Man, I could really go for an Octopus and Squid Roll topped with fresh Eel juice."  Me too!

#4 - Sell "miracle weight-loss" pills to fat people - 

Yeah, I know that diet and exercise is the only thing that actually works, but you're trying to get rich, not help people.  A couple of options to work with here:
You can create your own drug by mashing together different appetite suppressants and metabolism boosters, shaping them into tablets, and market them under a made up name.  For example, blend chitosan, hoodia, and green tea extract, and call it "Fat Fuck No More."
Another great idea is to make-up your own diet plan.  It doesn't matter how ridiculous the menu, people will do it anyways.  Veal Piccata for breakfast?  Green seedless grapes and Corn Nuts for dinner?  Instead of ice cream eat fat-free mayo with honey?  Why not?  
I'm currently designing one that consists of eating only Taco Bell and Jello.  I call it the "Shits and Jiggles" plan.

#5 - Accuse a priest of sexual misconduct -

All this talk about separation of church and state when they should be working on the separation of church and altar boys...bah-dum-bum.  A number of priests have been fingered, and the negative press can be hard to swallow, so they gotta suck it up or risk being exposed (giggle).  Let's face it, the Catholic Church has some pretty deep pockets and the last thing the former Nazi Pope needs right now is another sex scandal involving a man of the cloth, so now's your opportunity to get some of that tithing money back before they piss it away on wafers and grape juice.

#6 - Hawk "I ♥ Arizona" T-Shirts outside of a Tubby Queef, er, Toby Keith concert -

So what if he exploited the armed services to make millions of dollars? He'll put a boot in your ass, that's the American way!   So what if he said President Obama "...don't talk, act, or carry himself as a black person."  He's not a racist, that's just courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue!  So what if he pulled the corners of his eyes back to represent "slant eyes" in reference to the word "yellow" at a Nobel Peace Prize party last year?  He's not a racist, he's just Shock'n Y'all!   So what if one of his songs promotes lynching?  He's not a racist, he's just...actually...shit, I starting to think he might be a racist.

#7 - Make a porno and distribute it online -

The porn industry worldwide has larger revenue than Microsoft, Google, Amazon, eBay, Yahoo, Apple, and Netflix...combined.  If I need to explain it to you any further, then you're a moron and deserve to eat ramen noodles.

#8 - Build and rent timeshares on Twilight star Robert Pattinson's forehead -

Look at all that real estate between his Don King hair and caterpillar eyebrows.  I used to say that you could show IMAX films on that frontal bone, but I vastly understated the available acreage.  I'm actually shocked that Donald Trump hasn't purchased this kid's melon and started building massive skyscrapers on it.  But you better buy in quickly, cuz as this dude's popularity soars, his head's gonna swell along with it, netting you a pretty hefty return on your investment.

#9 - Sell Kleenex to Fox News talking head Glenn Beck -

Glenn Beck's show is great because you get to see a grown man have a fake emotional breakdown on a daily basis.  "Everyone is out to get me!  WAHHH!",  "I have a hangnail!  WAHHH!", "This grocery store won't accept competitor's coupons!  WAHHH!", "Walgreens stopped carrying my tampons!  WAHHH!", "Chick-Fil-A is closed on Sundays!  WAHHH!"  (actually, that last one is my gripe).  I bet you need hip waders just to stand in his studio.  Look Glenn, I know you're a recovering alcoholic and drug addict with diagnosed ADHD (it's true, look it up), but grow a pair of fucking balls, you whiny little bitch.

#10 - Become a celebrity via a television appearance -

I'm not talking about the people that have ACTUAL talent like Kelly Clarkson, Terry Fator, Daughtry, etc.  I'm talking about the dickholes that have no discernible skills.  Some are at the right place at the right time (Joe the Plumber), others spit 8 kids out of their twat (Octomom, Kate Gosselin).  Some can imitate a horse face (Greta Van Susteren), others just sell their soul to the devil (Elisabeth Hasselbeck).  

Look, you could work hard, keep your nose clean, be nice to your fellow man, and all that bullshit, but that's not gonna pay the bills.  So get out there and get your millions, no matter how many people you have to step on to get it.  Sure it may be hard to sleep at night, but at least you'll be sleeping on a pile of money.

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