Sunday, April 18, 2010

Double Down = Triple Bypass

So the geniuses that brought you the Famous Bowl (mashed potatoes, chicken nuggets, corn, cheese, and gravy) and Kentucky Grilled Chicken (KGC?) have created a new bun-less chicken sandwich.  For $4.99 you get two pieces of cheese and two strips of bacon covered in spicy pepper sauce, then they cram that between two pieces of fried chicken.  But it's white-meat chicken, so you know it's good for you.  Since I'm such a proponent of healthy eating, I stopped by my local KFC on Saturday to try their new offering.  For presentation, I give it a 1.

For tastiness, I give it an 8.

Wow, the deep-fried goodness really goes straight to your pores.  I start to sweat halfway through eating it.

Tina gives it a whirl as well.

Overall, I'd have to say it was better than I expected, but I started thinking "Ya know, there's got to be a way to make this cheesy, bacony, fried chickeny sammich even more unhealthy and tastier."
So after a quick trip to my local grocery store, it was game on.
I started with a flour tortilla, because everything, EVERYTHING, tastes better when made into a burrito.

Now we add some diced KFC Double Down...

...a slice of ham...

...some philly cheesesteak...

...gotta add a handful of tater tots in there...

...everyone loves macaroni and cheese...

...definitely need to throw some chili in there.  Chili rules...

...can't have chili without Fritos...

...and after much struggle, I'm finally able to roll it up, wrap it in foil, and put it in the toaster oven.  One for me, one for T.

After about 10 minutes, it's dinnertime!   My buddy tweeted this:

  1. Usc_normalApathyXnext I just wrote down the number for the Orlando Emergency Line in preparation for @tinaannb and   @floridachad's dinner. #EnjoySweatingGrease

Just look at how excited I am.


Feast your eyes on this delicious blend of ingredients.  Emeril Lagasse can kiss my ass.  BAM!

Tina pairs hers with a pinot noir, because she has an appreciation for fine dining.

Who likes heart palpitations?

Though later, she did tweet this:  

tinaannb @ApathyXnext My tummy hurts & my heart aches! I think@Floridachad is trying to kill me. Death by heart disease. Plz send ambulance & Pepto

About an hour later I really started to feel it.

Yep, this is what America is all about - overindulgence and oneupmanship.  
Now if you'll excuse me, I've suddenly grown very tired and am going to bed at 10pm...on a Saturday.  But I'll be seeing you in the morning...

Your move, Colonel Sanders.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Happy Meatster!!

Ah, Easter Sunday, when we celebrate the birth of Zombie Jesus with rabbits shitting multi-colored plastic eggs, and for some reason, folks eat those disgusting Peeps.  

Tina and I decided to throw a twist on the traditional Easter brunch this year, and instead dined at Nelore Churrascaria in Winter Park.  At first, some would find it odd to dine at a Brazilian steakhouse on Easter Sunday, but rest assured those Brazilians love them some Jesus.  They even erected a "Christ-zilla" statue in Rio de Janeiro.  

We got seated around 2:30 pm - dinner prices started at 3pm...SCORE!!
Our waiter brought us a bowl of cheese bread and fried bananas, and two glasses of  the blood of Christ.

Speaking of which, if red wine is the blood of Christ, does that make white wine the piss?  You know, cuz it IS yellow.  Is "Pinot Grigio" Hebrew for penis juice?  Hmmm, anyways...

Tina and I went up to the salad bar for some asparagus, hearts of palm, artichoke, artisan cheeses, smoked salmon, lobster bisque, etc.  Very important not to load up at the salad bar, just grab 1 or 2 pieces of whatever looks good, and save the rest of the room for dead animals.
Back at our table, toasted our Jesus juice, and it's game on.  Green means go...

Within seconds, we were swarmed by servers with skewers of meats.  I love that their uniform consists of Hammer pants and knee boots...badass.

They brought us bacon-wrapped filet mignon, bacon-wrapped chicken breast...

...spicy sausages, chicken legs...

...a house special sirloin that was unbelievable...

...I don't even know what you are, but I'm gonna fuckin' eat you...

...with all these carcasses being served so rapidly, I had to set down the camera and eat.  They brought by some leg of lamb and lamb chops which prompted Tina to say, "Poor Bambi".  I just stared at her until she said "Oh, wait..."

We ate garlic beef, BBQ baby backs, flank steak, ribeye, and some beef ribs that were so damn huge they coulda knocked over Fred Flintstone's car.

Tina quit first, after complaining that she felt like she was gonna give birth to a meat baby.  I followed soon after I began profusely sweating gravy.  NO MAS!!

Oh man, I can't eat another bite of...oh, what's this?

We finally left after over an hour of sport-eating and for some reason stopped for gelati on the way home because we are obviously stupid.  We spent the rest of the evening fully reclined on the couch, reeking of gluttonous shame but sporting Cheshire smiles.

Now if you'll excuse me, there's a toilet with my name on it...