Chad and Tina cruise the Southern Caribbean (Part 3 of 3)

Previously on Chad and Tina cruise the Southern Caribbean:
Part 1
Part 2
And now for the exciting conclusion...


Day 7 - 3/5 - Dominica

Either champagne has a funky morning-after taste, or a cat came into our stateroom in the middle of the night and took a huge dump in my mouth.  Either way, toothpaste has never tasted so delicious.
But enough about that, we have a new island to explore!  We began our day with a ride to the top of one of the many mountains of Dominica (pronounced dahm-in-EE-kuh).  Here we snapped a photo of downtown Roseau with our ship in the background.

Here's a shot of the professional cricket stadium.

I guess the grasshopper's still maintain their amateur status...hmmm, that joke sounds funnier when you're still champagne drunk on 5 hours sleep.  Hopefully they'll get better.

I can't quite decide which caption works best here:  "School Bus For Sale: Needs Body Work." -OR - "The dangers of trunk driving." - OR - "Woody fell down on the bus before his first day of tree-school."

During our island tour, we stopped at the Morne Trois Pitons National Park and hiked about 15 minutes through the rain forest to Emerald Pool.

The water wasn't "extremely" cold, but there was definitely some shrinkage.  Here's a picture of me enjoying the cool water while my weiner impersonates a scared turtle.

It was too cold for Tina, but she did manage to get in all the way to her knees.  Coward.

Our next stop was the nearly deserted Mero Beach, one of the many black sand beaches of this volcanic island.

After an hour or so, we headed back to the ship.  Each little town that we passed through had the same roadside planters.

I'm not sure if they got "tired" of using clay pots or just wanted to start a new "tread" in landscaping.

We get back on the ship, bid adieu to Dominica...

...took naps, cleaned ourselves up, and headed to dinner where Tina once again tries to master the cork trick we learned on our last cruise (link HERE for those that missed it).  

After that, we played some late night trivia.  The category was movie quotes - The host reads a quote from a film and you have to guess what movie it's from, what character said it, and which actor played the role.  I'm fairly confident going in that we're gonna be leaving with another free bottle of the bubbly.  Some other passenger spotted me walking in and "somewhat" jokingly said that I've won enough bottles of champagne and I should let someone else win.  My response?

We destroyed those fools!!  ALL HAIL THE KING AND QUEEN OF FREE CHAMPAGNEVILLE!!

We were pretty tired at this point so rather than crack it open, we decided to save it for the next night.  We went back to our room and caught a bit of Transformers 2 on TV.  What an awful, awful movie.  Nothing quite puts me to sleep like the storyline of a Michael Bay film.

Day 8 - 3/6 - St. Thomas, U.S. Virgin Islands

We awoke bright and early to a rainy, overcast day...

...but luckily it did clear up right before we left the ship at 8am.  
These big suckers were everywhere, like cockroaches in NYC, gays in San Fran, and morons in Texas.

Since St. Thomas is the patron saint of snorkeling and booze cruising, that's what we booked.  We hopped aboard a catamaran and set sail for a deserted island.

Our first stop was at a shallow reef where Tina saw a manatee:

At our second stop, the aptly named Turtle Cove, we enjoyed swimming around with the sea turtles.  Because they were eating about 20-30 feet below the surface, you had to hold your breath and dive down for a closer look.

After about 1 1/2 hours of snorkeling, we got back on the catamaran, the captain killed the motor, hoisted the sails, and the crew passed out cup after cup of delicious pineapple-orange rum punch.  Tina liked this cocktail...ALOT.  About an hour and 10+ drinks after we left Turtle Cove, we arrived back at the ship.

Tina was feeling bulletproof and decided to do something really outrageous.  She's a regular Evel Knievel.

We took a short cab ride downtown to do some shopping and I saw these great Blackety Ann dolls.  I assume that the the Blackety Andy dolls are in prison.

After relieving ourselves of rum punch in this 5-star bathroom...

...we sampled some of the local brew.

How does a piss warm shot of rum sound?

With some ice cold banana daquiris in our bellies, we headed back to the ship for some hot tub action and a long nap to sleep off the alcohol.  We awoke at 6 pm, pulled our bottle of champagne out of the ice...and put it in our luggage.  Neither of us wanted any more booze or to even leave the room for that matter.  Instead we packed our bags, grabbed some pizza and burgers, and spent the last night aboard the cruise snuggling in our bed.

Day 9 - 3/7 - Coming Home

Up at 6am, quick shower, breakfast, off the ship at 8:15, and at San Juan International Airport by 9am with 2 hours to spare before our 11am flight.

I didn't pay any attention to the airport the first time around, but now that we got to spend some time there, I have to say that it's pretty disgusting.  They must have exported all the good maids, tile installers, drywallers, and painters.  I didn't want to set my carry on down for fear that it would become part of the floor.  It's as if maintenance said "instead of remodeling, why don't we just cover the floor with millions of pieces of chewed up gum and rub dried boogers on the walls?"  But I digress...

We boarded the plane, me at the window, Tina in the middle, and Puerto Rican "Precious" next to her.  This girl was so big that in the event of a water landing we could have used her as a floatation device.  Luckily, she moved to the back before takeoff, which is good because it's unlikely that the nose of the plane would have gotten off the ground had she stayed up front with us.  But enough about that "cerda".  It's spanish, look it up.

Right now we're cruising at 33,000 ft, and watching "The Blind Side".  And while it should never have been nominated for Best Picture over "500 days of Summer", it's not terrible, and Sandra Bullock will win Best Actress.

I'm hoping we get home in time for the 2:30 game between the Magic and the LA Lakers.  I predict that Kobe Bryant will miss a last second shot and the Magic will win 96-94.

So I guess that's about it.  I'm certain that's there's things I've forgotten, but overall it was a great trip.  If you would like to read more Chad and Tina travel misadventures, please send us money and we will book more vacations.  Or at least click on a couple of those Google ads on the left side of the screen.  Seriously though, send us money...and aloe.

Chad and Tina cruise the Southern Caribbean (Part 1 of 3)

Tina received an email from Princess Cruises on February 19th in which they offered us a heavily discounted price to take a cruise because we were repeat customers.  This trip normally costs nearly two grand, but they offered it to us for under eight hundred dollars.  The catch was that the ships leaves out of San Juan, Puerto Rico on February 28th, which was a mere 9 days away.  Since I still had the two free roundtrip airfares to anywhere JetBlue flies that I won at the Magic game last season, we booked it.

Day 1 - 2/27 - Travel Day:

On our way to the airport, we dropped off the kids for boarding: Vino, Guinness, and Liberty (not pictured).  Vino shit all over the floor right after this picture.  Good boy.

As we were sitting at our gate at Orlando International Airport, I spotted a Puerto Rican midget.  I believe they prefer to be called "Specks".  You may need to think about that one.


So we get on the plane, and after the seatbelt and emergency exit spiel, the flight attendant makes the announcement that there are baby stations in the washrooms and people should NOT change their child's diaper on their tray tables.  Yeah, that's right...they actually had to TELL the passengers that this is frowned upon.  
Besides the huge legroom, unlimited snacks and drinks, and the babyshit-stained tray tables, JetBlue also has live television.

Hey Look!  A cruise ship!

I'm enjoying a lager while Tina has an ale.  She was still hungover from the night before when she stayed up until the wee hours of the morning packing her bags and drinking wine.  Big dummy.

We had dinner in San Juan.  Tina had a shredded chicken quesadilla while yours truly feasted on a shrimp and bacon (!) burrito and drank a couple of STRONG margaritas.

We walked around a bit and wound up at the Marriot Hotel and Casino.  I won a whole $10 playing craps, we were served complimentary Medalla Light, and we listened to a Puerto Rican rock band whose name I can't remember but I called them Kings of (Ponce de) Leon.  On the way back to our hotel we stopped by a gas station to grab a beer for the walk.  They sell energy drinks in Capri-Sun packages here, which is probably why the kids talk so damn fast.

Day 2 - 2/28 - Old San Juan, PR and Embarkation:

Our cruise ship wasn't leaving port until 11PM, so we spent about five hours walking around Old San Juan.  This is the original downtown, and is still surrounded by a 20-ft thick stone wall that was constructed in the 16th century to guard against a British invasion.  I had no idea they hated The Beatles that much.

This is a sculpture of a wingless rooster with a human head and a duck tail, and is wearing a fish for a hat.  In the background is a dachsund with a giraffe neck, baboon face, and dolphin tail.  Puerto Rican marijuana must be AMAZING.

We went on tours of two forts - Fort San Felipe del Morro and Castillo de San Cristobal.

We decided to head to the cruise ship, and after a quick stop at El Walgreens for some sunblock, we shopped the duty-free for 1 bottle each of wine, vodka, and champagne, and a box of pre-made Sauza margarita.  We later discovered that "Sauza" is the spanish word for "tastes like sweat-soaked ass crack".  We then boarded the Caribbean Princess and ordered a bucket of beers.

That's odd, Tina has a pair of panties with this same warning written on it.

A big dissappointment for myself and many other cruisers was that there was no broadcast of the USA-Canada gold medal hockey game on the ship.  Epic Fail, Princess.

Our entertainment that evening was the Ghost of David Carradine and his trio of smoking hot mamacitas.  

I was invited up on stage to strap a bunch of canastas onto my ass and dance with the ladies.  Unfortunately, I had the camera in my pocket, so there is no photographic evidence of my ground-breaking dance moves.

We stopped back by our room to pick up our bottle of champagne and discovered that there were no towel animals in our room.  Epic Fail #2, Princess.

Tina and I sipped on champagne while at the sailaway party.  There I won a raffle for a huge coupon book for the stores on the islands we visit.  This gave Tina a girl-boner.

We grabbed some snacks at the party and spotted this asian warrior made out of fruits and veggies.  I call him Yam-urai.

We ended the evening with a walk through the art gallery where I spotted this great piece by Michael Godard.  Yeah, that's Caddyshack.  Olive this painting.

Day 3 - 3/1 - At Sea:

We began the day with a bacon breakfast and proceeded to play trivia where I was promptly crushed.  Then it was on to Bingo where Tina threw away $20.  We walked the ship for a bit before stopping at one of the restaurants for an "English Style Pub Lunch".  Hmm, no fish 'n chips?  WTF?  That's like going to a zoo that doesn't have animals.  Instead, we had the shrimp 'n chips with some beers and tried a Scotch Egg, which is  a hard-boiled egg wrapped in sausage/liver meat, coated with bread crumbs, and deep fried.  While the beer was tasty, this friggin egg thing was indescribably bad.  I should take a lesson from Puerto Rico and build a wall around my stomach to prevent British food from entering.

After that disgusting meal, we went to the top deck for some suntanning.  

Tina took this sexy photo of my belly button.   

Up close, it looks remarkably like the Great Pit of Carkoon.

Later that afternoon, we went to trivia again.  I got my ass handed to me because everything was from the 60's and earlier.  I guess the ship feels the need to cater to these walking dinosaurs on the cruise, instead of cool hipsters like myself.  Tina followed up that defeat by burning another $20 at bingo.  I believe we may be cursed.

We took a nap, then got dressed for dinner.  Tina is seen here posing with all the glasses of champagne that she will drink on the cruise (that's known as foreshadowing).

Here we are taking a lovely grown-up picture...

...before acting like children at dinner.  Tina's doing the chicken dance.

Excuse me waiter, can I get another dessert please?  It appears that one of the staff fornicated with mine.

We went to a song and dance performance after dinner.  All the music was from the 50's and 60's...holy shitballs, what a snoozefest.  I literally sat in the theater with a glass of cabernet in one hand, and the bottle in the other, while trying to figure out what "do-run-run-run-a-do-run-run" means.  

After spending some time and money in the casino, we headed back to room to pass out.  We arrive at our first island in the morning.  

To Be Continued...