Friday, February 26, 2010

The Winter O-Lame-Pics

Maybe it's just me, but I just don't get excited for the Winter Olympics.  Take away Men's Hockey and Snowboarding, and there's no reason to even watch.  Maybe I just don't understand the point of some of these "sports":

So Bobsledding is about how four dudes in multi-colored spandex pack themselves into a metal phallus so tightly that you could make a mold of their weiners off the impression on the guy's ass in front of them.  Then they go sledding.  I bet you could find a gold-medal squad in the Castro district of San Francisco.

Skeleton and Luge are just cool names for going down a waterslide when it's freezing out.  Increase the difficulty by chasing them with that boulder from "Raiders of the Lost Ark".

Curling is basically a contest to see who can sweep floors the best.  How does Mexico not win the gold EVERY year?!  Maybe they get disqualified for rubbing Lemon Pledge all over the ice.

Downhill Skiing?  All the work is done by gravity.  They should give an award out to the fastest uphill skier.  Now that's a damn challenge.

Biathlon?  Are you fucking kidding me?!  Why is this considered a sport?  Ski 5 miles, pull out your rifle and shoot a hubcap, ski 6 more miles, shoot a bottle, etc.  This event would be more exciting if they used rubber bullets, shot at all the targets while skiing, and were allowed to shoot at the other competitors.  Now that's something I would watch.

Women's Hockey?!?!  LMFAO!!  If I didn't see it with my own eyes I wouldn't believe it existed, like the Chupacabra, a mustard and onions eclair, or the g-spot.

And why isn't snowmobiling an event?  Is it too "badass"?

Look, a lot of people love the pageantry and patriotism of the Winter Olympics (I think those people are also the reason "According To Jim" was on the air so long), but I would rather jerk off with a sandpaper glove while using tabasco sauce as a lubricant, than watch another round of figure skating between Albania and Zanzibar.  The country of Chad has never competed in the Winter Olympics, and until that happens, I ain't watchin' either.

Leaving for vacation tomorrow and it will be another Caribbean cruise, so look for another fun and exciting  update in two weeks.

Friday, February 12, 2010

And the Academy Award goes asshole?

     When the brothers Warner inevitably decide to remake Police Academy, I believe the roll of Larvell Jones - originally played by Michael Winslow - should go to my butthole.  They're both brown, and they both create amazing noises.  I've discovered over the years that due to my diet of spicy foods, my little chocolate pucker has become quite the vocal talent.  To all you Tinseltown types out there looking for a new sound-sation, my stinkstar can perfectly replicate the following sound effects:

Creaky door in a Scooby-Doo cartoon
Any Lady Gaga song
1997 Honda Accord with manual transmission and a broken muffler
An angry Donald Duck
Steamroller driving over bubble wrap
Scuba diver exhaling
A Morgan Freeman voiceover
Losing the Showcase Showdown on The Price is Right
...And Many More

     Also, due to it's unique features, my bunghole could be cast as a lookalike for both Clint Eastwood and Monique and would be an ideal seat filler for either during this year's Oscars.

     So, to all the Hollywood Jews, for your asshole.